Good Times Compounded On Good Times
So I survived this last weekend relatively unscathed. Actually, it was really a great weekend if you don’t include Valentines Day. As you can see from previous posts I wasn’t really looking forward to the 24 hours devoted to the celebration of love. I knew days before hand that I was simply going to wallow in self pity that evening. I have been doing “ok” since me and Sabrina have split (about two or three weeks now depending on which time, and who you ask) but I somehow subconsciously knew I was going to let myself go on Friday. And I did. The second I walked in the door I began to feel lonely. And I drank it in. I threw on some New Amsterdams and moped around the house looking for stuff to keep me busy. And then I broke, again. I just paced the kitchen and living room crying. Thoughts came racing through my head like I was on acid - uncontrollable, lightning quick, and often unassociated with anything. And then I wanted to break something, crush something, destroy something that belonged to her, or both of us. And it ended up being me. I went to the local bar. Chatted up nice with the bar tender so he’d keep feeding me drinks after I became visibly intoxicated and the proceeded to get wasted. And boy did I get fucked (up). Nothing more notable than my dramatic stumble home happened. I flopped down on my bed and cried myself to sleep. It was definitely a shitty Valentines Day. But I really feel like I got it out of my system, and really that was just what I needed. Hopefully I won’t have any other nights like that again.
Missed the Valentine house sometimes
Good times compounded on good times
What’s come over you since
-Losing You by New Amsterdams
1 Laura Says:
Hey, don’t feel too bad. I had an eerily similar V-Day: mine was spent alone at home, drunk with my cat. We agreed that we’re both much better off without that stinky boy around anyway…
Anyway, the evening started out lonely and quiet, but by the end of it I was having a great time reading and drinking. I was tickled that I was drunk by myself (if you can believe it, that’s never happened before) that it actually turned out to be a blast. I think some drunken knitting went on as well.
So having gone through a significant break-up a few months ago, I too need all the kind words I can get. A friend sent me a keep-your-chin-up email today, with this wonderful quote. It’s from a book called “Daily Afflictions,” a take-off on “Daily Affirmations.” So here’s the incredibly theraputic quote:
“FUCKED BY LOVE
‘It takes a nail to drive out a nail.’ - Salvadoran proverb
When you have loved and lost, you are fucked. You don’t want to begin a new relationship, because how could you possibly love another? You don’t
want a fling because in the shadow of real love, what would be the point? You don’t want to be alone because it hurts too much. You can’t be with
the one you lost because he or she is either dead or sleeping with someone else. With no real options left, you balm your pain with fantasy and
memory. You lie alone in bed, haunted by the tingle of phantom limbs.
When the rebound relationship comes along, you may be sleeping with someone new — but you’re making love to the ghost of the one you lost.
Finally, you must face the truth. The only way to cast out your ghost is to fall hard for someone new — someone who might hurt you even more
deeply. In this way, you heal your broken heart, preparing it to again be broken.
Daily Affliction:
I must find someone who can hurt me more deeply.”
Ahh, words of wisdom. Thanks for humoring me with this insanely long post!
2 hubs Says:
Thanks for the great comments Laura. The daily affliction was great. It spoke the truth wholeheartedly and I could absolutely relate. I currently think I’m “undateble” right now too. I’m definatly emotionally unavailable, but getting better everyday. So while the words “I must find someone who can hurt me more deeply” are ultimately what I must do, right now it just scares the shit out of me. I’m sure after a couple of months i’ll feel much better. I hope you are starting to too. Best of luck to you and thanks for kind words, they really do help.
3 geri Says:
You’re absolutely correct about the rebound relationship. You wake up only to realize that the person beside you is just a poorer version of the one you lost. Or a better version. But then you’ll realize that the one you really want is the one you lost or let go of. Rebound relationships seldom prosper because of the baggage you bring into this pseudo-relationship. It’s hard to be dealing with a copy of the person you left; you’d rather wake up alone.