I’ve never been afraid to talk about my favoritism toward the “reality” style of television. My interest in them has spanned all genres and styles. So it may come as no surprise that I would actually try out for one. Well, I never thought I would, but it might not surprise you.

Yesterday, G and I went down to the Teatro Hotel to try out for the travel channels new “1000 Places To Visit Before You Die” show. Both G & I are well traveled and have few serious responsibilities, so this looked like a great opportunity for us. You know, quit work and travel the world for four months on somebody elses bill. This was right up our alley.

Now I am well experienced with casting calls - I went through two very arduous tryouts for the Littleton Children’s Theatre at the tender young age of six or seven, where I proved my talent in order to win demanding roles as a goober pea in Brer Rabbit, and a punk-robot-type-thingy in some play I have nearly no recollection of (Thank God). Despite my expansive experience in “the industry” we bombed yesterdays casting call.

I don’t consider myself ugly really, but I didn’t know that the casting call went out to all the modeling agencies in Denver. Yikes. Everyone waiting around in the lobby was so perfect it made me want to puke. These were all actual TV type of people with headshots and “representatives”. But the best part is when we went in for the interview.

“Sit closer, take off your coats, we want to see what you look like” I was just hoping they wouldn’t make me spin around.

They asked us a series of questions that were relatively easy to answer and then they stumped us with this one, “What do you guys have to offer the show? You know, you would be the hosts, why would people want to watch you?”

G and I just turned and stared at each other blankly. Finally I blurted out something about being smart, and quick witted, and able to think on our toes. It was one of my worst displays of “thinking on my toes” ever. I continued to blab for what seemed like forever. It was more like my toes were doing the thinking. After jammering-on for about two minutes too long, G said something that finally shut me up. I can’t remember what she said because I was so dumbfounded I have blacked it out from my memory.

Then they got us with this one, “Where would you guys like to travel?” G said Africa and then started talking about some sort of Angelina Jolie type of stuff about culture and saving the world type of crap. Then I said, “Well my answer would be something of the opposite.” Here, they seemed to light up, thinking there might be some sort of good dynamic or drama that our relationship could add to their show. I quickly deflated their hopes by following up with, “I would like to go to Malaysia or Indonesia cause I just want to lay on the beach the whole time.”

I could just imagine what kind of ratings they would get by broadcasting my skinny, pasty body laying awkwardly in an uncomfortable beach chair occasionally dipping into the ocean to get the sand off my ass. 30 minutes of that. That’s what I told them I wanted.

For the rest of the interview I babbled incessantly while G tried to recover from how horribly everything was going. Not surprisingly, it was a short interview. Expect to see us in the very first episode where they show all of the idiots who tried out but are laughably under-qualified.

I finally made it onto Boing Boing. Well sort of. This is what was published:

UPDATE: Hubs writes, “In the alpine areas here in Colorado we have pink snow too. However, here it is an algae called chlamydomonas nivalis that gives the snow a bright pink hue. It’s called watermelon snow and surprisingly enough it also gives the snow a watermelon flavor that is easily digestible (in resonable quantites).” Link

So I was expecting all these hits. And then for my server to get overwhemled. And then for me to have to shut down this blog. And then I’d become famous for losing my blog to algae, kinda like dooce was made famous because she was the first to get fired for blogging even though she really wasn’t the first. And then I’d be the coolest guy ever, probably.

Instead I got 9 hits from Boing Boing today. Maybe it’s because I don’t know how to spell ‘reasonable’ or ‘quantities’.

If you want to learn more about watermelon snow check this out.

Oh yeah, while I’m thinking of it, I have nothing against dooce or kottke, I mean, I read them when I’m really bored sometimes too, but something tells me they don’t know how to have a good time. So sleeeeeepy!

You heard it here first. A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend told me….
Nick and Jessica Simpson are separated. She was fucking Johnny Knoxville during the entire filming of “Dukes Of Hazard”. Word is that Knoxville is real down on himself about breaking up the marriage. I’m thinking he wasn’t down enough to enjoy it.

Remember, you heard it on Hubsville first. Expect it to hit the tabloids in about three weeks!
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It blows me away how New York-centric the entire blogosphere is (cringe… I hate that I just said any of that). Or is it just me. Or is it that I just read too many New york sites and not enough North Carolina, California, Texas, Portland, Illinois, Missouri or Connecticut sites? I don’t know. But it seems the whole blog world is getting their panties in a collective bunch about Christo and Jeanne-Claude putting up some little curtains in the that one little piece of nature there in NYC. I mean seriously, you don’t see me getting in a huff over this.
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I haven�t felt much like writing lately. I just haven�t been in the mood for it. But I�ll try and get in the habit of writing more often. Part of the reason I haven�t been writing is because I�m too busy reading all the wonderful stuff you guys have put out there and have been unable to come up with anything original (other than peppering my comments across all over the place). So now I won�t be reading as often but hopefully writing more. Wait wait wait, don�t leave. I�ll still be reading, just not everyday like I have been. Ive grown a bit tired and my workload has recently gotten heavier. It seems my priorities have been mixed up for some time now. I need to do some thing to straighten them out. I just thought you deserved a fair warning. Do with it as you will.

Last night when I got home I turned on the TV. The channel was already tuned to MTV so I watched TRL while changing out of my work clothes. They were having a spelling contest with a very attractive female who looked about 29 yrs old. The woman was a Jr High teacher who had to spell ghetto rap words like Xzibit, Eminem, and Big Boi. She wasn�t able to get any of them right. I thought to myself, �Hot damn, it�s nice to know that there are a few attractive women out their that are in my demographic, poor spellers, and still appreciate MTV.� Then she started talking about the kids that she taught at school and how these kids now filled up the typical, hysterical and screaming audience. It was then that I realized she was only there cause her students were there, and my hopes and dreams were shattered.

The last few days have been a bit of a bore. Mostly I�ve been trying to get rid of this nasty cold by lying on the couch, getting to bed early, and drinking lots of orange juice. It seems to be working and I think I�m rounding the corner to wellness. This week has been weird cause I had a couple of plans with a couple of people for going out and getting drinks at the beginning of the week that were cancelled on me. Tonight I cancelled on a work related basketball game, pool tournament, and cigar smoking session that I�m sure would have made me bust a lung. I also cancelled on our work related �senior ditch day� of skiing tomorrow cause I got some work I need to finish in the office and I think it would be good to rest one more day. So lots of cancelled plans lately. I did go out with Soph and MonkeyMan last night. That was a pleasant surprise cause I�ve never got a phone call from them to go out before. It was a real mellow, enjoyable evening that consisted mostly of conversation and pool at the January Replacement bar. I was home before 11:00 which was nice because St. Paddy�s Day, much like New Years Eve is amateur night; things can get real annoying real fast.
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And not only that but I missed a spot about the size of a quarter on my neck shaving this morning. It�s disgusting. I saw this program on TV this weekend where they got some guy and tried to teach him how to date. I can�t remember the name of the show, but the lady that was trying to teach him got to telling him about people who are motivated, and what their body language is like. How motivated people, people who like to accomplish things, have good posture, act interested, often leaned forward and get wide eyed. I want motivation. Man my endorphins are low today. I need to do something that�s gonna make me feel good about myself for a change. What is that gonna be? Don�t tell me to do something nice for myself, like go to the spa, or buy something, or go out to dinner. I don�t deserve it. Oh shit, what am I writing here. Lets talk about ways to make yourself feel good about yourself. Where should my worth be coming from. I�m gonna eat lunch at my desk, that�ll provide me with a good sense of false productivity. Maybe if I make money on the stock market I�ll feel like I�m intelligent again. It�s funny how when I feel proud or accomplished it feels like bragging when I write it down, but when I�m in the dumps it feels like the whole world should feel sorry for me.
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After I got off of work yesterday I went over to Govorners Park. I’m not a huge fan of this place cause it seems to have such a yuppyish afterwork type crowd (so…what kind of car do you drive?) but I don’t mind it, it can be fun sometimes and the beers are huge. I met a few friends there and watched the cubbies lose. I had a few drinks and and a plate full of cocnut shrimp (mmmm come here my little shrimpy and let me eat you) with coleslaw that was turbo good (you know who you are) but damn expensive. Fortunately my beer was pretty much paid for cause Leber was trying to get his wife to stop drinking and so he gave me her beer everytime she ordered a 2-for-1. That worked out great. Of course it sucked when I had to wake up early this morning for a meeting out by the airport. Mel offered me the key to her condo up in Grandby for when Jami is out here. Her and Leber were really intent (=drunk) on me taking her up there while shes in town which was really nice of them. We’ll see if we have the time or inclanation when she gets here.

Some of girls at the bar told me it’s nearly impossible to find a man that is worth keeping around. I wasn’t surpised to hear this.

Yesterday I got all excited because my landlord called me at work to tell me I had a FedEx package that had been sitting in her office for the last week. All day I was dreaming about what might have been in it and who may have sent it to me. When I opened it up, it turned out that is was just a letter from Fidelity Investments telling me I better put money into my leveraged brokerage account or they were going to liquidate some of my securities. That was a bit of a let down.

Happy overdone, unimaginative, consumer-oriented and entirely arbitrary, manipulative & shallow, interpretation of romance day.

Love, another infinitely important concept lost to a holiday wrapped around commercialism, consumerism, and (gasp!) cynicism.
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