While You’re Still Employed

My few weeks of unemployment have taught me some valuable lessons. The ten most important ones are listed below.

1. Constantly be updating your resume. If you haven’t updated your resume in 5 plus years, it’s going to take you a full week to track down the information about your old employers, type up a draft, find eligible references, get friends and family to read over the draft, and then make the necessary changes. Do it every six months while your employed.

2. Buy that new suit while you’re still employed. Forking out that $500 some-odd dollars hurts when you’re not gettin’ paid.

3. Regardless of your situation, apply for unemployment benefits. Don’t let pride get in the way of this, you have been paying for it your entire working life.

4. On the day after your first full work day spent on the couch watching MTV’s spring break, buy your family’s Christmas and birthday presents. Then tear up your credit cards.

5. While you actually have a job, make a list of everything that you would like to do if you didn’t have to be at work. Because the day you get fired/layed-off/quit you’ll forget all the fun things you should be doing. It’s like walking into a great record store: the second you cross the threshold, your mind drops the names of all the cool bands you’ve been wanting to check out.

6. Go on vacation. Be sure to leave town at least once while you’re not working. You don’t get many chances to go on a vacation and have nothing to come back to. The experience is incomparable. Book a flight before you throw out your credit card (see #4).

7. Don’t quit smoking. Now is not the time nor place for such risky measures.

8. Work. But don’t work that hard. Finding a job can be a full time job in itself. Don’t let it come to that. Spend four hours a day looking for work. Spend the rest of the time getting in the way of the plumber at your girlfriends house and hitting golf balls. On the contrary, don’t get lazy.

9. Go outside. A lot. It really does help.

10. Keep your routine. Continue to get up at your regular time each morning. Do something productive in the morning (laundry counts).

Serious Fun

Give me more fun stuff. I want more fun stuff to take up my time. I don’t want all my time spent working. Watching American Idle, sleeping, polishing my shoes, mopping, and cooking frozen pizzas. I want fun. I’m having fun. But I want more of it. I want so much fun I can’t get my work done. I have no idea what all these American Idle entries that everyone’s posting are all about.1 I’m constantly tired. Scuffed shoes, sticky floors and hungry.

I have a few things I want to do. It’s often just so hard to get started. And if they’re not fun, then they’re really hard to get started. Shit. Prioritizing is for sucks. Seriously. Prioritizing is for sucks and multi-tasking is for girls.2

But that’s OK.3 Whatev.

And mostly I wish I could think of something both cool and fun. And something that nobody has ever done before. And it would be really cool if nobody has even thought of doing it. I wonder if there is something, that I could do, that no person in the history of all time has ever thought of doing. Wait. Don’t tell me. That would ruin it. Doing that would make me cool. And it would be Fun. Capital ‘F’ fun. Fucking fun kind of fun.

That’s what I want.4
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Eleven Is The Easiest Number That There Ever Was

Eleven really easy things that will make my life exponentially better:

Setting stops on all my trades
Doing more work when at work
Fixing more meals
Using my work computer for more work stuff
Calling my friends more often
Studying and researching more

Letting my dishes sit in the sink for more that a night
Staying at work past 6:00
Eating out so often
Staying out so late
Thinking more than doing

Will Probably Never Be Found Out

When I woke up this morning the air inside my bedroom, outside of the warm cocoon of my covers, was cold and brisk. It was snowing outside and I had left my window open a few inches throughout the night. Now it’s snowing like crazy so I have decided not to go into the mountains and to come in and work in the office for a while and spend the day reading books and watching movies.

I spent a couple of hours last night trying to implement some new ideas for my blog and ended up messing things up and practically having to rebuild the bitch. It sucked but I’m learning stuff all the time. What good learning any of this will do me, however, will probably never be found out.

My mind kept me up till 2:30 last night because it was unable to shut down. It was racing with ways to improve my life. Ways to get more satisfaction from the things I’m already doing. And new things that will help. Ideas. Developments. Systems and simplifications, and the complications caused by them. But in the end, really, I came up with noting too profound. Nothing I haven’t thought about a million times before. I’m generally very happy and high-spirited. It’s a matter of breaking habits and starting new ones.

So now I sit here in my office, trying to finish up a few things work and otherwise. A warm cup oatmeal, hot mug of coffee, and tall glass of ice water in front of me. And you.


I wish I had these things currently in my possession:

A transporter pod
25 hours in a day
Professional public speaking skills
A free lunch
More closet space
A box of confidence
A few extra dollars in my bank account
A large bee (in a jar) that spread love everywhere it went
A maid

The Big List

Here’s a list of things, by category, which I would like to try to get accomplished before I die. Henceforth known as The Big List. Of course this list can be adjusted, pruned, expanded and thrown away as I see fit. Life is about crossing old things off and starting new things. I also understand some of these things are not necessarily attainable (see a UFO for instance) but I really, really would like it to happen. In addition, there are a number of things that I want to do in my life or improve upon but have no solid benchmark of completion such as “tell everyone close to me I love them” or “develop my level of spirituality”. You know, crap like that. Maybe they’ll be on another list someday but somehow I doubt it.

File a patent for a useful/useless gadget
To be published in some capacity, such as an article in a magazine
Develop my own film
Design and have made my own t-shirt
Create my own font
Brew my own beer
Make a souffle correctly

Run with the bulls in Pamplona
Visit Mexico during day of the dead festival
Visit Rio during Carnival
Attend burning man
Visit New Orleans during Marti Gras
Go to a Slayer concert
Go to a Grateful Dead concert
Celebrate New Years in Times Square

Teach someone to read
Give $#,### to charity anonymously
Be an escort at an abortion clinic
Volunteer to a worthy cause for at least six months
Pay for the dinner/lunch ordered by the vehicle behind me in a drive-thru

Help raise a child
Grow a garden
Plant a tree in a place I’ll always be able to visit

Learn yoga
Learn how to sail
Learn how to ride a horse
Learn to play a musical instrument with some degree of skill
Learn to juggle
Learn to water-ski slalom
Learn to ride a motorcycle
Learn sign language
Learn to shoot a gun
Learn to ride a unicycle
Learn HTML
Learn to surf
Read all the books on this list
Memorize a poem I enjoy and pass it on to someone else
Complete a two or four-year degree
Learn to windsurf
Become a notary public

Get high on hash in a cafe in Amsterdam
Taste absinthe
Trip acid
Get drunk on Bourbon Street
Have sex in the ocean
Have sex on a forest floor
Have sex in a public place
Have sex on a train
Have sex on a boat
Have sex on a sailboat
Have sex on the kitchen table or kitchen floor
Have sex in a sleazy hotel
Spend all day in bed with a lover, only leaving it to eat or visit the bathroom
Spend the day at a nude beach
Fire an automatic weapon
Have nude photos taken
Take nude photos
Go skinny-dipping in the ocean
Get thrown out of K-Mart for disreputable behavior
Party down at the Whiskey A-go-go
Stay out all night in Manhattan
Become a member of the Mile High Club

Experience zero gravity
Spend time in a sensory deprivation tank
Navigate a corn maze
Navigate a hedge maze
Be on TV
Be in a newspaper
Do something that makes someone say, “You know, I really admire what you did!”
Cook all my meals for a week
Do everything on this foodie list

Get comped a room in Las Vegas
Own a home
Be my own boss
Get a pedicure
Get a professional message
Be independently self-supportive
Be mentioned in a newspaper
Eat Peking Duck
Try to eat sea urchin again
Eat truffles (the fungus)
Eat a durian fruit
Get acupuncture
Throw a huge party and invite all my friends and family

Do a Catholic confession
Attend prayers at a synagogue
Attend A Hare Krishna service
Attend a séance
Get hypnotized
See a UFO
See a ghost
Give a eulogy

Do 100 consecutive push-ups
Scuba dive
Score above 200 bowling
Score below 100 in golf
Ski a double diamond slope
Helicopter ski
Ski Whistler/Blackcomb
Snowcat ski
Attend the Superbowl, World Series, US Open, Masters, Kentucky Derby, Indianapolis 500, Stanley Cup Finals, or the Olympics
Hike the Colorado Trail
Go white water rafting in class 5 rapids
Earn a belt in a martial art
Swim a mile without stopping
Go deep-sea fishing and catch a fish
Make it onto the jumbotron at a major sporting event
Spend three months getting my body into prime physical shape
Rock climb a route with several pitches
Swing on a trapeze
Swim with dolphins

See the aurora borealis
See the milky way
See a great white in the wild (while in the water)
See a whale in the wild (while in the water)
See all the movies on this list (being
See a tornado
See a full lunar eclipse
See an active volcano
See Niagara falls

Fly on the Concord
Go hang-gliding
Go in a hot-air balloon
Ride in a Submarine
Ride on a fan boat
Ride on a hovercraft
Ride in a blimp
Fly in a helicopter
Go on a cruise
Road trip from coast to coast in the U.S.
Drive a vehicle at a speed of at least 145 miles per hour
Go Parasailing
Go paragliding
Go windsurfing
Ride a cable car in SF

Visit all 50 states
Visit all 7 continents
Straddle the equator
Walk on a glacier
Travel through the top 15 most populated cities in the US
Travel through the top 10 most populated cities in the world
Go to Easter Island
Visit to Stonehenge
Stay a night at the Gramercie Hotel
Go to the Louvre in Paris
Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower
Go to the top of the Statue of Liberty
Go to the top of the Seattle Space Needle
Go to the top of the Empire State Building
Visit a rainforest
Explore the Carlsbad Caverns
Visit the red wood forest in northern California
Stay the night in a lighthouse
Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge
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