The night before last I smashed my finger in the apartment door. It didn’t hurt too bad. I mostly just ripped my skin. The heavy door ripped it good and deep, right around the knuckle. I began bleeding immediately. Actually it didn’t bleed as much as it gushed. I held my finger in my mouth, tasting the metallic saltys-weet of blood mixed with saliva, until could put my keys away and get to the bathroom . I put my finger under the running sink faucet and the water was just barely able to keep up with the flow of blood. Eventually I figured to apply some pressure in order to slow the bleeding and get a bandage on. I probably needed stitches but couldn’t be bothered, a bandage would have to do. Well the cut finally stopped bleeding this morning. I’ll have a scar and this entry to remind me I’m still human.
Did you ever think when a hearse goes by,
That you may be the next to die?
They take you out to the family plot,
And there you wither, decay, and rot.
They wrap you up in a bloody sheet,
And then they bury you six-feet deep.
And all goes well for a week or two,
And then things start to happen to you.
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,
The ants play pinochle on your snout!
One of the worms that’s not so shy,
Crawls in one ear and out one eye.
They call their friends and their friends’ friends, too,
They’ll make a horrid mess of you!
And then your blood turns yellow-green,
And oozes out like whipping cream.
[Spoken] Darn, me without a spoon!
Your eyes fall out, your teeth decay
A rotten end to a lovely day
So never laugh when a hearse goes by,
For you may be the next to die.
After a very prolonged and heart-pounding week, the suspense is finally over. The much awaited results for the very ballyhooed cholesterol contest have finally arrived.
Before we get to the results, I would like to make a few thank-yous. First to my doctor, without whom the blood-work would never have been processed. I would also like to thank all the doctors who were involved in the process of discovering cholesterol and thus providing us with one more thing to worry about (not to mention discovering one more thing that can kill us). I can’t forget to thank my parents for providing me with the blood, and eggs for providing me with the cholesterol. Oh yeah, I’d also like to thank Jesus because somehow it seems necessary.
The contestants and their respective guesses follow:
The processing of the entries was long and arduous but a definite winner was established. Thanks to everyone who participated. This contest was a raging success and the winner will be thusly awarded. So without further ado, here are the results:
I used to think my old doctor was the greatest. Well she still is, as far as I know. However, she won’t be my doctor anymore. But that is only because she quit internal medicine and is now working with the elderly. So after she quit, I was reassigned a new doctor. And this is one of the major downfalls that I have run into with HMOs. They just assign you somebody. You have no idea who they are, and that can be a little scary when this is a person you are going to be discussing some very intimate details of your life and body with. And I really liked my old doctor. She took her time, explained things, even if they weren’t important. She thought of good questions and was always willing to answer mine. I even recommended her to a couple of friends who also found her to be a wonderful doctor.
But today I went to go see my new “assigned” doctor for my yearly check up. And I have to say, he was great. He never rushed. He answered all my stupid questions (why do you guys always check my involuntary reflexes by tapping my knee with that rubber mallet? I mean if I can move voluntarily why check them?) And asked a lot of questions himself. So, I think I may have lucked out.