matters of the heart

How Can I Get My Girlfriend/Boyfriend To…

We’re approaching that time of year when we tend to reflect on what we have accomplished over the last year and what we want to strive for over the coming year.

And often this exercise also involves reflecting on our relationships and what we want from them. I decided to use googles predictive search feature to get a hive mind idea of what people want from their boyfriends and girlfriends.

How Can I Get My Girlfriend/Boyfriend To

How Can I Get My Girlfriend/Boyfriend To

There is a lot of the same themes going on from both searches. I both love and hate how Google allows a window each other’s fascinating, curiosities and troubles.

The Booty-Call And The Acts Involved Therein

A study recently published online in the Journal of Sex Research titled “Positioning the Booty-Call Relationship on the Spectrum of Relationships: Sexual but More Emotional Than One-Night Stands” investigates the nature of the acts engaged in during a booty-call. The study aimed to (a) examine the types of emotional and sexual acts involved in booty-call relationships and (b) compare the frequency of those acts to one-night stands and serious long-term relationships

Acts that are more characteristic of some degree of emotional intimacy (e.g., kissing on the lips) were most common in serious relationships but were also committed frequently in the context of booty-call relationships. This also suggests that part of the nature of booty-call relationships contains some degree of emotional intimacy.

The table below shows the frequency each individual sexual/emotional act within in each particular relationship type

[table id=3 /]

Not surprisingly, the researchers found that the booty-call relationship is more closely aligned with casual-sex relationships than serious long-term relationships. For instance, there was a positively correlation with the tendency to leave immediately after sex for booty-call relationships and one-night stands, but not for serious romantic relationships. However, the booty-call isn’t strictly sexual.

Booty-call relationships appear to be characterized by a combination of emotional (e.g., kissing on the lips) and sexual (e.g., penile-vaginal sex) acts. Emotional acts are of particular importance to demonstrate that booty-call relationships are distinct from one-night stands. One-night stands occur a single time, where sexual gratification is paramount and emotional feelings or acts are rather absent (Fisher & Byrne, 1978). In contrast, booty-call relationships have the longevity to explore other aspects and interests of the individuals’ sexuality.

In addition, the stunted emotional aspect combined with the longer time-horizons associated with the booty-call can be correlated to greater sexual exploration (teh butt seks!) than is allowed for in one-night stands.

we found that booty-call relationships were characterized by higher levels of kissing, in general, as well as manual and anal sex than in one-night stands. It may be that the limited time that characterizes one-night stands forces individuals to prioritize a small number of sex acts, or it may be that they do not feel comfortable making sexual requests for less common acts because they might lead to a global rejection and, therefore, to no sex at all. In the relatively less temporary and more acquainted context of booty-call relationships, individuals may have the freedom to explore their sexuality more because they have more time and less fear of being entirely rejected.

Also of interest, the researchers also made an attempt to determine why leaving immediately afters sex was so much common among booty-calls than one-night stands or long-term relationships.

By minimizing acts that are emotionally intimate and leaving after sex, partners may effectively prevent booty-call relationships from turning into committed, long-term relationships.

Similarly, individuals were more likely to leave after sex in the context of booty-call relationships than one-night stands. This may be because there is an implicit under standing between one-night stand partners that the nature of the relationship is casual and temporary, whereas the repeated encounters for booty-call relationship partners requires such a strategy to maintain the quasi-sexual nature of booty-call relationships.

If your interested in reading the entire study, you can download it here.

Closing Signatures To Be Inserted At The End Of Your Love Letters

As a man who signs my letters to my girlfriend with “XOXOXO – hubs”, I found this McSweeney’s article titled “Two Previously Known and 15 Brand-New Closing Signatures, to Be Inserted at the End of Your Love Letters for Valentine’s or Any Other Day.” to be extremely funny.

X = A kiss.
O = A hug.
R = A saucy lick.
T = A meaningful pat on your high, yummy ass, not too hard, not too soft, now you try it on me, perfect, that’ll do just fine.
I = Remember that day at the park? That day when we walked hand-in-hand alongside the reflecting pool and then strolled, ever so casually, over to the cocker spaniel with the very bad breath and that vague, faraway stare that reminded me of the rabid dog I once saw beneath the arts-and-crafts cabin at summer camp? I’m recalling that memory as I write this. You should be, too.

237 Reasons To Have Sex

Technically you only need one reason, actually, any reason. But you are so much more complicated than that, aren’t you?

Well that is what psychologists Cindy Meston and Dr. Dave Buss, professors of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, think. In fact, they have put out a report (pdf) analyzing 327 reasons people have sex. That’s pretty complicated in my book. The reasons breakdown into four major groups, each of the breakdown into 13 subgroups as follows:

Physical

  1. Stress reduction
  2. Pleasure
  3. Physical
  4. Desirability

Goal-directed

  1. Resources
  2. Social Status
  3. Revenge
  4. Utilitarian

Emotional

  1. Love and commitment
  2. Expression

Insecurity

  1. Self-esteem boost
  2. Duty/pressure
  3. Mate guarding

According to the study, the most and least frequently endorsed reasons for having sex were common among the great majority who were surveyed. There were nine themes that appeared to characterize the most frequently endorsed reasons for having intercourse:

  1. pure attraction to the other person in general
  2. experiencing physical pleasure
  3. expression of love
  4. having sex because of feeling desired by the other
  5. having sex to escalate the depth of the relationship
  6. curiosity or seeking new experiences
  7. marking a special occasion for celebration
  8. mere opportunity
  9. sex just happening due to seemingly uncontrollable circumstances

Their studies reaffirmed many sexual stereotypes about men and women. On the other hand, some of these stereotypes were contradicted. When examining the most frequently cited reasons for having sex, men and women were remarkably similar in the 20 of the top 25 reasons given were identical for men and women.

Men showed significantly greater endorsement of having sex due to physical reasons, such as ‘‘The person had a desirable body’’; ‘‘The person was too ‘‘hot’’ (sexy) to resist,’’ and simply because the opportunity presented itself: ‘‘The person was available’’; ‘‘The person had too much to drink and I was able to take advantage of them.’’ Men exceeded women on many items that pertained to physical pleasure such as, ‘‘I wanted to achieve an orgasm,’’ and ‘‘It feels good.’’ Men more than women reported having sex as a way to improve their social status (e.g., ‘‘I wanted to enhance my reputation’’; ‘‘I wanted to brag to my friends about my conquests’’) and their sexual experience (e.g., ‘‘I needed another notch on my belt’’; ‘‘I wanted to improve my sexual skills’’). Finally, men exceeded women on endorsing a variety of utilitarian reasons for sex: ‘‘I wanted to change the topic of conversation’’; ‘‘I wanted to improve my sexual skills.’’ Women exceeded men on only three of the 237 reasons: ‘‘I wanted to feel feminine’’; ‘‘I wanted to express my love for the person’’; ‘‘I realized that I was in love.’’

Their findings contradict the stereotype that women, more than men, use sex to obtain special favors. In their study, men were more likely to endorse reasons for having sex that involved utilitarian goals (“To get a favor from someone”).

Below is a table that list nearly all of the 237 reasons Meston and Buss derived from their surveys. Along with each reason is the the category that that particular reason belongs to and the score for that reason (somply put the score refers to the commonality of that reason used between the sexes, please read the full report for a more precise understanding).

[table id=2 /]

However, in the end Meston and Buss conclude that:

All of these diverse theoretical perspectives, when taken together, point to a singular conclusion: The reasons people have sex are likely to be far more numerous and psychologically complex than previous taxonomists have envisioned.

There, they said it, you are complicated.

I Feel like there are already enough reasons to have sex. I mean after all, one is enough for me. But Dr. Buss and Dr. Meston are working on a new project: a list of reasons to say no to sex. If you want a chance to help out, interested participants are invited to fill out a questionnaire.

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